The headlines of the last few weeks are inundated with mass killings and death.  14 dead in upper New York, 10 dead in South Alabama, 8 dead in a nursing home…and this morning a father killed himself and his five children.  The world appears to have gone crazy, but the world hasn’t gone crazy, it is just the world.  Theologically we know that the enemy of God rules this world at the moment.  Man was given dominion over all things but he failed at following one simple command.  Jesus will take dominion over a new world upon His return, but until then, we must live in a world with evil.

There doesn’t seem to be any hope in that.  And reading the headlines, the death, and suffering that daily assaults us seems to reiterate that sense of hopelessness.   The world has entered a recession, thousands upon thousands of people have lost their jobs, their incomes, their homes…their security.  They are stressed and hurting and confused.  Where is the good news in the world today?

There has never been good news in the world.  It's always been lies.  There is no security in worldly matters or things.  Some of you will bitterly tell me I can blithely say that because I have a job and a home.  My journey took me through the days of liens against my house, and months and months of no work.  I understand that fear, the unrelenting pressure, the temptation to worry, the weariness of the strain.  I understand desperately wanting to trust God, but there’s so much unraveling it just seems like God has certainly turned His back, for surely things would go better if God was leaning near.

Down to my freedom…all the way down to my freedom, I lost it all. 

Sometimes God must empty us to refill us.  The emptying process is the hardest of all. 

But somewhere in the emptying, some where in all that destruction, you become free.  You learn to trust God in a way that you could not learn by any other means.  Your whole heart turns to Him, mostly because there’s nothing else to turn your heart too.  God doesn’t mind that you come only because there’s no place else to go, remember He’s looking into eternity, as long as you come. 

My mind turns to the hundreds of people who are touched by loss these massive killings have created.  The fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, and friends of those who died…the young sheriff’s deputy whose wife and baby daughter died on that front porch in south Alabama…how far away God must seem, that He would allow that much evil to touch such an innocent child.  Suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, character produces hope…and hope does not disappoint us because of the love God pours into us through Christ Jesus. (Romans 5)  Later in Romans 24 Paul tells us we are saved by this hope…

You must know your Father well so you are not tricked by the world and it's ugliness.  You hear people say they do not want to believe in a God that would “allow” these things.  They have believed a lie, a distortion of who God is because they have not encountered Him.  The lies are hard to catch unless you’ve found His voice and entered into that relationship with Him.  He is God, He is marvelous, He is wonderful…and we are meant to echo that in this lost and dying world.

Delight yourself in the Lord and do good;

          And He will give you the desires of your heart.  (Psalm 37:4)

We love this verse, its full of promise and hope and all the wonder of God and His goodness and love towards us.  But we screw it up.  The operative word in this verse, the one that trips us and causes us grief when we’ve got a “desire of the heart” that we want God to give us is the word… “G I V E”

We do NOT like to wait for God to give us anything.  What we really want God to do is “allow” us to have what we want, and “allow” us to manipulate our life circumstances to achieve whatever it is we want in our hearts.  We DO NOT under any circumstances want to play a passive role in achieving the “desires of our heart…”

We get our educations, and careers and plan our pregnancies, marriages, our children’s educations, careers and THEIR marriages.  We do our BEST to arrange our lives to suit the desires of our hearts.  And its not that they are bad desires or wrong desires, its just that the Scripture says … “And He will GIVE you the desires of your heart.”

All you have to do is align yourself to God, get your life in right order to Him… I think the verse is, “seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you…” (Matthew 6:33) and then when God knows you’re ready, He will give you the desires of your heart, in a way that will not corrupt you, or lead you astray from Him, or ruin you.  You will not falter by replacing Him with a new god, you will not stumble in the way of your life and not be tempted to live away from God because of the life that is going on around you.  You will not become vain and puffed up, proud of what “you” have accomplished in life.  He knows these things, because He knows us better than we know ourselves.  You will live fruitful in the kingdom, and joyous in your life.  He actually will give you the desires of your heart, if you will wait for Him to do so.

OOOOOHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  We don’t like to wait do we?  And aligning the life you live to God is difficult at best, and seemingly impossible on the challenging days.  BUT… its worth what it takes to live a life with God.  Its worth the wait, to have what God wants for you, when God wants it for you, because God doesn’t withhold from us to punish us.  We get it soooo wrong.  We wait, and in the waiting we are shaped, if we will turn our face to God in an open way, to receive what God has for us at that moment, instead of turning to God full of secret resentment in our hearts, because we do not have what we’ve desired.  Do you know you desire some things that would utterly destroy you?  No, you don’t know that, but God does.  The only reason God will NOT give you the desire of your heart is because He knows the content of your character, and if granting the desire of your heart is going to mess with your place in eternity…He’s not up for it. 

And you know what?  He knows these things.  And I can trust God to always do what’s best for me, even when I won’t do what’s best for myself.  See God loves me more than I love me.

More along this line tomorrow…much love, Anita

I rise at 4am, in the inky darkness of the early morning.  I was leaving home in the early dawn, but the time change moved me back into that darkest part of the night…it is true, it is darkest just before dawn.

As I stepped outside that first morning, I was reminded of the stillness of time as the night draws to it's close and morning prepares it's approach.  It's an odd feeling, nothing seems to move.  It's almost as though the world seems to hold it's breath wondering if in fact the sun will rise on yet another day.  Even the parrots are oddly still.  I cut the lights on to go about the morning feeding, and yet they sit, quietly waiting for this interruption to leave them alone.  I cut the lights out on my way out, with only the quiet sound of ruffled feathers settling back into place.  Even Coco, who normally greets with cheerful chatter is oddly quiet at this wee hour of the morning.

The world and all it's chaos even seems muffled…for just a moment.  The sky is clear, the quiet is deep, the reality of God near in the peace. 

I do not always appreciate the fact that my day begins at 4am.  More often than not, I dread the clock’s warning that I must be moving from my warm bed.  I do not rise early to enjoy that odd peacefulness when it is not necessary, but I must say on the mornings I head out the door around 4:30 to get the outside feeding done, and the stillness wraps itself around me, it's one of those small things I’m grateful for, and realize I miss. 

We often compare the darkest part of the night with the dark seasons in our lives, holding onto the Psalm that reminds us that weeping endures for the night but joy comes in the morning.  We see the morning as birth from the darkness, but there is a peace in the darkest part of the night that does not exist in any other moment of the day.  I think we are afraid to embrace our dark seasons because we do not understand God’s ways so much.  Because you see even in the darkest of seasons, when our souls are dark, and hope is still…as faithful as a sunrise, God is still there, raising the light again in our souls.  In the depth of my despair in 2005, the greatest revelation that awaited me in January of 2006 was that nothing could separate me from God.  It was not a Scripture I read from Romans 8:38…it was real life.  I had been tested, and I had made it through.  As much as God has done for me, as much as He’s given me, I don’t think He’s allowed me anything greater than that. 

Diamonds, He says, are made in the dark.  Much love, Anita

You know, it's amazing really, how stupid I can be sometimes.  I stepped back into the word the last few days, I’ve been away from it.  I read a devotional, snippets of this, snippets of that, why do we allow so much to substitute for just reading God’s word?

It's beyond me.  The world is a time stealer if I’ve ever seen one.  The clock is relentless in it's constant march forward and life has a way of sapping our energy and focus.  Or it does mine.  It seems that every thing conspires against me to keep me from some real study time, some writing time, some focus time on who God is, what He’s doing and how I fit into it.  Instead I am off running to my job, running to doctor appointments with my Dad, all night ER visits, junk to do at home…never enough hours in a day, never enough energy in my body.

Last night as I climbed into bed early…Yes I really do go to sleep between 8 and 9pm, that’s only on non-working nights.  On a work night, it's 7:30 to 8:30 because there’s no compromise at 4am, and I like 8 hours of sleep.  Anyway, as I climbed into bed, God sent me to read Ruth.  I read every word of the book of Ruth and all the study notes, and the preface to it.  I didn’t just read it, allowing my eyes to pass over it, I went LOOKING for something inside of Ruth.

You see the Bible is full of treasure.  And God uses it to speak to us, there was a message inside of Ruth for me, something God wanted me to know.  So I went treasure hunting.  Searching the ancients words in this story about two women, and the trust they placed in God, and the hope He restored to them after emptying them. 

You see the Bible is full of stories of heartache and hope, emptying and refilling.  The struggle of life in this world, and God’s ways with us, and yet we forget them…Ruth and Naomi, Jehu, The Shunnamite, Rahab.  And then we struggle, in the dark, unable to hear God’s will for us, and make it God’s way for us.  Last night God shined a light into my own darkness, and it came through His Word.  We must spend time there, so that He might make Himself known clearly to us.  If you’re Bible is dusty…then you better go knock the dust off of it, and do a little treasure hunting yourself.  Much love, Anita

Last night I laid down in my tears.  A very good friend of mine past unexpectedly, shockingly unexpectedly during the night Saturday night.  She went to bed and did not wake up.

She was 46 and we have been friends for more than 30 years.  She left an 8 year old son and a 23 year old daughter.  I know that God knows what He’s doing…I desperately want to write ‘but’…there is no ‘but’ that fits that sentence.  I know that God knows what He’s doing.  Even though I know it, it does not stop my grief.  Real friends are rare and wonderful gifts that God grants us.  In my tears last night, in an almost accusatory tone, I reminded Him that she was my friend.  And gently, in His way, He reminded me that she still is.

The truth is I grieve her passing instead of rejoicing in it because in her passing I lost something tangible to me.  It creates a hole in my heart.  I miss her.

I am selfish.  Surely I can trust God and deny self…and release my friend to the heavenlies and rejoice with the angels at her arrival at eternity.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. (1 Cor 13:12)

Now I see poorly, I will miss her.  Yet clearly, I will see her again.  God speed my friend, Until eternity.

It snowed this morning.  What a pleasure.  I ran and grabbed the birds, perching them in the snow laden limbs of trees.  It's rare to get pictures of my tropical parrots framed in with a snowy back ground.  The pictures are stunning, even if the birds were less than thrilled with the adventure.

Bax is positive she knows what heaven is like, it's full of snow.  I’ve never seen a dog happier than Bax.  She ran through it for the sheer joy of running through it. 

Myrtle seemed to enjoy it but not as much as Bax.  The cats, as usual, were blasé, it was a mere inconvenience to their normal routines.  They just came inside and slept through it.

I like watching my animals’ reactions to unusual circumstances.  I had gotten up at 4am and went and cut on heat lamps in the aviary and headed back to bed.  There was no snow.  When the snow started coming down really hard, my Macaws announced it's intrusion.  Macaws have a huge warning call and since I have a room full of them in my sunroom, and since white stuff does not normally fall from the sky and cover the ground, the first heavy snow fall was worth screaming about.  If you are a light sleeper then sleeping much past sunrise at my house is out of the question.  But since their screaming would not stop, I did finally get up to find out what the ruckus was.  Snow.  Huge fluffy flakes covering the ground quickly.  I fed them and the distraction worked.  They had alerted the proper authority (me) and I had declared it all well by doling out apples.  Quiet descended as I headed back to my warm bed.

Life.  It's beauty lies hidden away in the small moments no matter whether they are tragic or tranquil.  God literally breathed life into Adam with His own breath.  Hold onto to that for a minute.  Our own breath through the ages, came from that first breath of God to His Creation. 

I'm not sure why we get so caught up in the things of this world, stuck with the desires of "self" living life is ways that God never intended.  For a few moments, in the pleasure of a snowfall, watching my gang, I'm reminded of the beauty of God's wonderful right order, and when it is a challenge to live there in it, I hope I can remember these few moments on an early spring snowfall, as another winter passes away, and rejoice in my seasons, no matter what they are.

If you try to prevent the suffering in another life, it will prove an obstruction between your soul and God.  It is at your own peril that you prevent the cutting off of the right hand or the plucking out of the eye.  (Oswald Chambers: My Utmost for His Highest)

We do it, we assume providence and try to “help” eliminate the suffering of those we love.

It takes a very different experience to teach us the beauty and the mysterious power of suffering.  It takes the Hand of God to teach us the appreciation of such a journey.  We are ill equipped for life for we are not given the tools to suffer well.  We are constantly bombarded with the tools to avoid suffering altogether.  We know all kinds of foods to eat and drink to prevent illnesses.  We exercise and eat right and take care that we might not suffer illness.  We plan our careers and set goals in middle school, so that we might grow up and avoid any kind of financial suffering.  We seek mates that we will always be compatible with so that we will not suffer emotionally.  We are raised and taught and it's drilled into us to find our happiness in life, we are given the tools and education to “succeed” 

No one teaches us about suffering.  And we play provident without a thought or care when someone we love suffers, to alleviate it.  And until you suffer and gain some kind of understanding about it, you will try to prevent suffering in other people’s lives.  My own suffering has given me the credentials, the credibility if you will, to teach those who are suffering.  I do not cringe away from their hopelessness, nor do I fear their pain.  I have a deep well of empathy but I have also, a deep understanding of this mysterious process.  Simply put, suffering is good for us spiritually. 

I am watching my Dad struggle though some serious health issues at the moment.  I watched my Mother struggle through the trial of breast cancer last year.  My prayer has always been that they learn well in their suffering.  When my Mother rebelled in her anger, I gently admonished her and told her to buckle down and learn the lessons so that they might not need repeating.  Instead of rebelling in anger, accept the season of suffering and suffer well. 

I developed a saying when I was in Marianna.  It's a bit course, but when someone would ask about my case, and it would be discussed, I usually ended my story with a flip quote, “It just sucks to be me right now.”  And then I would laugh, so would the other person because it was so astonishingly shockingly true.  I can remember taking my Mom to her second chemo treatment and she was quite cross about it because she had already lost her hair, she didn’t want to be sick, the list of complaints was plentiful.  As we got out of the car, in my sarcastic and flip manner I said, “well Mama, it just sucks to be you today.”  She stopped walking and stared at me, and then burst into laughter.  Shaking her head with her silly hat on, carrying her lunch bag, pillow, and magazines, and chuckling, she said I was exactly right. 

My 72 year old Mother used that bit of wisdom on a lady at radiation one day.  They both got so tickled after she said it they could barely sit on the waiting benches.  It has that effect on people.  Let us not get in between God and His work when faced with suffering, whether it be our own, or it belongs to someone we love, let us carry the message and help each other to learn the great mystery of suffering well.  And I think it's ok if we get a chuckle from some dark humor… sometimes it just sucks to be me.  Much love to you all.  Anita

Two weeks ago, my Mom phoned around 9:45pm, something was wrong with my Dad.  He was unconscious, there was foaming around his mouth.  She had already phoned 911, I told her to hold tight I was on my way.

It was Friday night and raining, they live at the river…a long drive down winding roads with uncertainty as my companion.  I was not upset, the one thing I knew was that no matter what God was still God, He was still in control and He had not stopped loving me at 9:45 that evening.  I knew I might find my Dad gone when I arrived.

He was not passed.  He was awake and angry and confused.  He had gone to sleep in his recliner and awakened to a room full of men in the middle of his den at 10:00 at night.  He had no recollection of anything except falling asleep.  We convinced him he needed to go to the hospital, and we spent the night at Shelby in their emergency room.  He stayed until Monday.

All the tests revealed that he was having seizure activity in his brain but nothing else.  No blood clots from strokes, no tumors, just the seizure activity.  So he was given anti-seizure medication and sent home. 

He had an arteriogram scheduled for Feb. 26, which was last Thursday.  A 20 minute procedure took almost two hours.  A twisting, turning aorta the culprit which caused the delay.  The arteriogram was done to check his carotid arteries in his neck.  Both were clogged.  They kept him over night and went ahead and performed surgery on his on Friday to clean out the first one.  He’ll go back in four weeks to clean out the second one.  Plus his renal arteries, those that lead to his kidneys are also clogged and will need stinting.  And there might be a small aneurysm causing the curving in the aorta.  He was not a happy camper on Saturday, feeling the full brunt of the battering his body has taken.  He’s much improved as I write this today on a Sunday afternoon and we expect him home tomorrow. 

As a family unit, we are an independent bunch, but I watch how effortlessly we step together when it's necessary.  I would say our immediate family consists of my parents, my brother and his wife and my cousin Dan, who is like an additional brother.  There is no hesitation in this duty to our parents.  There was none when my Mom was sick.  It takes a simple phone call and we are all moving.  The night of my Dad’s seizure, I phoned my brother on the way to the lake.  I really had very little information, but imparted what I had. Calmly, which is our way, he said he would wait until I knew where we were going and what was going on, to phone him back.  He was at the emergency room at Shelby before my Dad arrived.  We stayed all night.  Danny was there as soon as he got the message and got off his night shift job. 

For four years my parents made the trek to Marianna every Saturday, they did not miss ten out of 212 Saturdays.  I suppose for us all as family it is not duty as much as devotion.  We’re family, it's simple for us.  Should it not be so with God, that we live lives given over to Him from devotion to the One who gives us life, instead of some idea of duty to the Law?  Do you live out devotion or duty?

Much love…Anita

I love the way God teaches in layers.  It’s a cool thing.  I find that lessons I thought I had grasped are fine tuned, a new insight (layer) added to the bigger picture in a smaller way.  And I’m amazed how these revelations often come in the smallest of moments.  I had one yesterday.

I had had a conversation with a friend about some of her friends who are struggling.  I had been thinking about them and praying for them, so they were on my mind as I was re-shaping and pruning our crepe myrtles at work.  I enjoy this kind of work, as the days warm and get pretty.  It’s a bit like sculpting, and its relaxing.  I do not approach pruning as a chore, but as gentle restorative work for the bush or tree I’m working on.  I prune slowly, taking time to step back and look and think.  As I headed outside, I encountered one of our residents who uses a rolling chair.  Her legs suffer from serious arthritis.  Her heart suffers from her waning independence.  She is fiercely protective of what independence she maintains.  She does not ask to be pushed in her chair, and she takes care of herself.  I mentioned the beautiful day to her and she asked if I was going out.  Since I was, she decided to join me while I worked. 

We chatted companionably as I worked, and as I began to finish up she wanted to return inside.  There is an upward slope going into the automatic front doors of Eastview, I had gone in to get a broom and was coming back out, my friend was at the bottom of the slope.  She could not pull herself up with her legs.  She apologized as she asked me for help, needing to speak the fact that she never asks anyone for help.  I told her I completely understood but it would only take a second to get her to the door.  I made sure she had lifted her feet and eased her up the slope, laughing and talking and thanking her for her company while I worked.  It was important to help her keep her dignity in place.  As soon as I pushed her over the threshold I let go of her chair, said goodbye and headed back outside.

As I turned back to cleaning up the mess I had made, God just barely nudged me, quickly and quietly He showed me my own early days, when my needs were so great and the blessing and joy of those who wanted so much to help me when they could help me, after years of not being able to help at all.  He showed me the friends of my friend, who are suffering, but have done so reclusively, literally hiding away the opportunities for others to love them and help them.  It’s very difficult to accept help sometimes.  It’s quite humbling.  But it’s quite selfish not to.  It does not mean when we struggle we are supposed to sit down and be waited on hand and foot…not at all, but it does mean that when we suffer we must be attune to the many levels at which God is always at work, and be willing to allow Him to go about His work using us as He sees fit.  And sometimes that means allowing someone to help you.

Suffering is a holy work.  Never will you be more use to God than when you suffer.  That is truly a remarkably odd statement, is it not?  And only now do I even begin to grasp the barest edge of it.  I think back to 2005 when my suffering reached its absolute height, never was I closer to God than in those days, when my need was so great.  I was weak and His Power was so wonderfully perfected in my weakness.  And it is from that time that the fruit flows from me now.  With every revelation in this journey I think I have finally learned to “see”, when the truth is with every revelation I am just a little less blind than I was before.  I will not see clearly until surely I am face to face with Him…Much love, Anita

Be careful what you ask for, because you might just get it.

The Grace note I wrote about Jonah and the fish vomit tickled me to no ends.  It was just such a funny view of how we really are, willing to sit in fish vomit rather than simple obedience.  I sent it out on Monday, and remarked to two separate friends how much fun that one Grace note would be to preach.  I mean the topic is fish vomit.  It struck me as hilarious.  I have a weird sense of humor I know.

Look, here’s what God does with that.

I had to attend a funeral the next morning, which was Tuesday.  I got to work around noon.  Not long after arriving at work I was coming through the back door of the lobby and I heard our receptionist on the phone telling someone they could speak to me as I was just walking in the door.

I took the phone and said hello.

It was Virginia Holmes from Frazer Methodist Church.  She runs the Singles ministry at Frazer, and she was in a bind, their guest speaker for their Tuesday Night Together supper was froze in at Nashville and couldn’t make it.  Then she sealed the deal with this comment, she said to me… “I know you have something that you can pull out of your back pocket.”  I had to laugh.  I’ve spoken to the TNT group a couple of times, my last evening with them had just been in December.  And I knew I couldn’t say no.  And I didn’t, even though it meant that I would work until 4, drive all the way back to Clanton, shower and change, make some notes to speak from, collect my thoughts, and drive all the way back to Montgomery, and then home again and not make it to bed before 11pm and start Wednesday morning at 4am…even with all of that, I knew I couldn’t say no. 

I laughed and told her of course I would be there.

But its stressful to deliver a message with almost no preparation.  God has taught me well and I enjoy my clearly defined outlines and my Scriptures neatly typed in order of presentation.  I make awesome notes, but there would not be the time nor the energy on this night.  At dinner someone asked me if I was nervous.  I never eat much before I speak, and I don’t talk much, it’s a focus thing.  I smiled and said no, and God reminded me of that perfected power in our weakness. 

I can’t really tell you much of what I said, it was pretty straight off the cuff, but it was God’s message for them that night.  He’s cool like that.

And it was fun to do.  You won’t always be well prepared when God nudges you, but you don’t have to be, all you ever have to be is obedient.  Just remember to be careful what you ask for…because you might just GET IT IMMEDIATELY!!!!

Much love to you all… Anita

I was talking with someone the other day and we were talking about the journey with God, and I mentioned how hard it is to live a life for God, God’s way.  The person replied that they didn’t think it should be hard at all if one was doing it correctly.

I quite literally laughed out loud at that and told them that if it wasn’t hard, then they weren’t doing it right, because all through Scripture, we’re given the examples of how hard it is.  I lived 7 months with a tarp on my roof, waiting on God.  It was humiliating and I had to actually fight my own family to keep them from “helping out”.  It was hard.  I sold three birds in that time span, when I would give directions to my house I had to tell people it was the one with the huge red tarp on the roof.  But we all know that story worked out well. 

I’m living in a draining schedule right now, and I’m exactly where God wants me.  And He keeps me, through it all.  There is this incredible quiet in my spirit because I’m in line with God.  Oh my life is NOTHING like I want it to be, but then, its not my life is it?  It is exactly as He would have it at this moment in time.  But its hard.  I am utterly alone at the moment, and tired of my loneliness. 

Moses got so tired and frustrated he finally told God… “I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me.  If this is how You are going to treat me, put me to death right now – if I have found favor in Your eyes – do not let me face my own ruin.” (Numbers 11:14)

Ever felt like that?  I have.  I’ve been in that place I’ve told God I cannot make it one more day living the way He wants.  The burden is too heavy for me. 

Elijah, another one of those BIG NAMES from the Bible, running from Jezebel, he finally collapsed under a broom tree, this was his prayer: ‘“I have had enough Lord,’ he said. ‘Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.’” (1Kings 19:4)

Remember Jeremiah?  He got so tired of preaching the destruction of Israel and getting cursed and locked up for it, his complaint went like this:

O Lord, you deceived me, and I was deceived; You overpowered me and prevailed.  I am ridiculed all day long; everyone mocks me.  Whenever I speak, I cry out proclaiming violence and destruction.  So the word of the Lord has brought me insult and reproach all day long.  But if I say, ‘I will not mention Him or speak any more in His name,’ His word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones.  I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot. (Jeremiah 20:7-9)

Then there is Isaiah’s description of Jesus:  He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to Him, nothing in His appearance that we should desire Him.  He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.  Like one from whom men hide their faces He was despised, and we esteemed Him not. (Isaiah 53:3)

He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed. (Isaiah 53:5)

He was oppressed and afflicted, yet He did not open His mouth; He was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so He did not open His mouth. (Isaiah 53:7)

Really, where did we ever get the idea that a life with God was even supposed to be easy?  Life with God is very simple, it comes down to a relationship where you trust Him enough, and believe enough that you listen for His voice, and then do what He says.  You believe what you hear, and you follow it, no matter how crazy it seems, or how unreasonable, you follow it.  You don’t worry about “what ifs” you just obey what IS…which is I AM.  It is that simple.  But simple is not easy.  Much love… Anita

My pastor said something at the end of one of his sermons a few Sundays back, I don’t know if its his quote or someone elses but its worth sharing.  He said:  We do not sin against the law of God under the new covenant, we sin against the heart of God.

I think for the most part we do not understand the seriousness of covenants today.  We do not understand what it means to be in a covenant with God.  Jesus said at the last Supper:  This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you. (Luke 22:20)  It seems like a lot of folks miss the whole point of Salvation.  This new covenant was the bridge back into the presence of God.  We lost that in the fall of man at the garden of Eden.  We lost easy access to God.  We lost the ability to relate to Him one on one as His children. 

The law is not the relationship.  Being “good”, or being a “good Christian” is not having a relationship.  Its just following a bunch of worldly theology, and rules and ideas that men come up with.  Do you see that?  Do you get what I’m talking about?  Following the law won’t introduce you to God.  You’re just following the rules.  And I guess it would please Him, but it would be an empty pleasure because you still wouldn’t know Him, and you wouldn’t allow Him a place in your life.

The new covenant gave us a place in God’s heart.  Its not about rules, its about relationship.  And its not about this one-way street thing either.  Its NOT ok for you to kneel down and say your prayers every night, doing all the talking.  Do you understand while you’re yammering away you cannot hear ONE THING God might want to say to you?  I mean really, its so frustrating to me, I hear nearly EVERYONE ask God for guidance, and go on and on and on about who they want Him to bless, and keep safe, and take especially good care of…how are you supposed to get guidance from God if you NEVER EVER SIT STILL AND JUST LISTEN??  How do you think its going to happen?  We want signs and wonders and miracles but when He approached Elijah, one of the greatest prophets of all time, there was an earthquake and a terrible wind and a fire on that mountain where Elijah awaited God, but God was not in these HUGE events.  Then came a still small voice.  What if Elijah had been yammering away up there because he was scared of the earthquake, fire and wind?  What if he had been sitting up there begging God to save him from the earthquake, and fire and wind?  Do you see?  If Elijah had been up there TELLING God all about these worldly happenings…

He would not have heard that small quiet voice that called him by name.

And when we are disobedient, when we sin…God isn’t mad that we broke one of His holy rules.  God isn’t mad at homosexuals for being homosexuals, if He’s going to be mad at them, then He’s also got to be mad at all the unmarried people who sleep together.  Sheesh, sin is sin.  God isn’t mad at us when we sin, it just cuts into His heart when we are so wayward because He knows how much we harm ourselves and He understands how much we miss out on because we insist on living out of His right order.  We’re so ignorant and selfish we aren’t even smart enough to get that simple idea.

We no longer invite His wrath, we just break His heart.

Please go find that still small voice, please go sit with Him and get to know Him.  Go listen…

I celebrate December 22.  Its my favorite day of the year.  I love it, it’s a day full of hope and promise.  I wait for it eagerly every year.

And you’re all sitting there wondering what in the world am I talking about?  Must be a typo.  Should have been 25, not 22.

Nope, its December 22, my soul always stirs up with some hope.  Why you ask?  Because December 21 is the shortest photo-period day of the year, normally.  And on December 22, its only a few seconds but the days stop getting shorter and suddenly they reverse, and they begin to lengthen.  And every day, until we reach mid-summer, they will grow longer.  It’s the season.  Bless God, it’s the season. 

It reminds me that winter will end, spring will burst up on us.  The darkness doesn’t last and it is being pushed back a few seconds every day.  See, at the moment, I leave home in the dark, I return home…in the dark.  I don’t get to see the sun shining in my windows.  I drive in the dark, I feed birds in the dark, its all done after dark around here, but….

Oh you know the Bible is full of “buts”…starting December 22, I’m headed back into the light in the afternoons.  The sun hangs there on the horizon just a few extra seconds every afternoon.  I was gone most of the day yesterday but as I drove home, in the gloomy cloudy afternoon, the sun broke through brightening the sky.  I looked at the clock, it was 4:58, almost 5pm and we were just heading into dusk, there was still light in the sky.  Of course there was, its been almost a week since we past the 22, and those seconds add up fast.  4:58pm and the sun was holding the dark at bay.  Praise God.  Today the sun is shining and its nearly 70, I’m at home, at peace, there are still a lot of dark cold evenings, and a lot of cold winter days between now and spring, but a day like today reminds me, refreshes me, rebuilds me…to pass through the dark cold days still remaining in winter. 

Seasons, they come and then they go…so it is with our lives and their seasons.  On December 22, I rejoice that there is the tiniest evidence that this season will change.  Spring’s bursting rebirth will come again, and the sun will hang long in the sky. 

Much love to you all… Anita

The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day.  But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble.  (Proverbs 4:18-19)

They do not know what makes them stumble.  Aren’t we exactly like that?  I was so struck by that as I looked back into the past of my life, most of the times I wasn’t sure what had made me stumble, its easy now to see, I was walking around in the dark.  I’m not talking about life before being “saved” I’m talking about life…I know a lot of “saved” folks who are still stumbling in darkness.  Now I don’t equate darkness with sin, darkness to me speaks of the lack of ability to live within the light and the sight it brings.  I can’t tell you how often I look back before my time in Marianna and remember “I once was blind but now I see.” 

Have you ever gotten some place in life that you didn’t want to be but you weren’t sure how you got there?  You aren’t sure why things won’t go the way you want them to, and why every thing seems to be a struggle?  You are trying to listen to God, you are trying to be obedient, you’re praying all the “prayers”, saying the words you think will help…but you’re still stumbling and you don’t know what’s making you stumble? 

The path of those who are in right order with God is like the first gleam of dawn…righteousness is about being in right order.  See we get these “ideas” and “opinions” about what God is doing, when for the most part we don’t have a clue.  Our singular small actions in the kingdom of God all come together to make God’s huge collective plan for mankind come together.  But we have a tendency to dismiss our small daily contributions, thinking that we are unimportant to God’s plan.  But if our daily interactions with the world are important enough that God willingly directs them, then since God does nothing vain, our small daily interactions that are in right order with God are never ever vain.  Its when our ideals don’t align to what God is doing that we start stumbling in the darkness.  Sometimes we are SURE that something simply cannot be God’s will for us…like 49 months in prison…and yet I live daily in the fruit of those days.  I live daily with the fruit of those days.  Those days are becoming MORE precious to me instead of receding in meaning.  It’s the foundation He laid in me, the teachings He began in those long days, away from the world and all its distraction, chaos and mess that I gained this life with God.  And its from those days that I now live in right order to God, and finally…finally a step back from the world.  Its not that I don’t stumble or struggle, but now I can usually “see” what tripped me and I can correct instead of stumbling in the circle getting tripped, and tricked over and over again by the same ignorant stuff.  When you stumble in the darkness, you don’t even know what tripped you. 

And many times I can see the tricks and the stumbles way before I even approach them, because my path shines ever brighter till the full light of day.  But it means denying your “self” and living the life God intends, every day, no matter how unglamorous, no matter how small, no matter how unexpected… its that right order thing.  Its not the life I expected, its not the life I planned and some times at 4am as the alarm goes off and I crawl out of my warm bed, I wonder at this life…but I’m right where God wants me, the season might change tomorrow, but that’s ok too, because they are all His seasons.  I don’t have to stumble around in the dark, He orders my steps, and lights the path ahead of me…it shines brighter till the full light of day.  Much love, Anita

I was running this Psalm through my mind because I can’t sleep.  I’ve dealt with a migraine headache all day and its still pounding away at the left side of my head.  But as I ran these old familiar words through my mind I realized that the Psalmist uses the first half to describe God, revealing His goodness by describing who God is, “The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.  He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.  He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His namesake.” 

That’s all about who God is and what He does.  Then there comes a pivotal expression of faith:  “yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil…”  If you’ve ever walked through the valley of the shadow of death, then you understand the depth of those words, kind of like living through a dark night of the soul.

And look how the Psalmist changes his writing:  he now begins to pray, speaking directly to God instead of describing Him.

“I will fear no evil, for thou are with me.  Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.  Thou prepare a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anoint my head with oil, my cup runs over…”  He does not fear evil, nor enemies and trusts in the favor that God offers and whatever He provides.  And the last line… “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the House of the Lord, forever.”

 Goodness and mercy…not riches and fame, or glory, or recognition…just goodness and mercy. 

Ah, but it’s the goodness of God, the favor of God, living in His hand, and mercy…well you can’t understand the importance of mercy unless you’ve ever needed it and had it withheld.  Mercy is a powerful powerful thing.  Rare too.  When I screw up, I am always so grateful for the moments that I go and sit with God and He is merciful, gently teaching me instead of chastising me, comforting me, even though its my own fault.  There is nothing like the soothing balm of God’s mercy when the child just can’t seem to align.  Even as I write that, I am struck by the depth of comfort His mercy provides.  Yes, surely goodness and mercy shall follow me because I cannot think of anything else that would ease my passage through this world more completely than the goodness of God and His mercy.  And then I will live forever…in the House of the Lord, Amen and Amen.

My Mom had a check up at Kirkland this past week.  She’s doing great, this appointment was with her oncologist.  They scheduled a mammogram in the early afternoon before her appointment.  At Kirkland, they read the mammogram while you wait, in case they want to take more pictures.

They took my Mom back and I was sitting and crocheting, there was a lady next to me.  She mentioned the weather.  It was a rainy cold day in Birmingham.  Most people are not big weather freaks, if someone mentions weather they just need to talk.  I glanced up and could see the anxiety etching her face as she stared out the windows at the bleak day.  I told her I didn’t think the roads were going to freeze and asked where she was from.  She was 2 hours north of Birmingham.  I told her we were from Clanton.  Somewhere along the way I mentioned Dr. Carpenter, he was her oncologist too, she loved him.  Just one or two questions and her story came tumbling out, she was diagnosed in 2006 and this was the first time since being diagnosed that she had been released for 6 months.  She had not had to come to the clinic for six months and she said it felt great to finally be “free”.  I had to smile.  But the six months came to an end and this appointment was waiting for her and now she was sitting there wound as tight as a wire waiting for her mammogram to be read.  She was terrified.  She just needed to vent it.  I told her it was going to be great.

 My Mom came doodling back out and sat between us, the lady grew quiet again.  Her knuckles were white.

The big door swung open and one of the nurses came out and called her name and told her she was all clear to go.

She squealed with relief, I gave a hearty YEA!!!!! And told her congratulations!!!  She went and got dressed, and went back to her life.

And for that moment we shared in her hard won victory. 

 Kirkland is a place that never fails to touch me.  It’s a place of tremendous suffering, and yet it’s a place of tremendous hope.  I see so much of the bitter-sweetness of God. 

 Our journey was so merciful compared to so many others whose battles are long and so hard fought.  But I remember my Mother when she was one of those fragile warriors, wearing her funny hat, carrying her pillow, and bag full of snacks and magazines.  She was brave and wonderful, they all are.  She does not have to see her doc again for 6 months, her report was all clear.  She’s back in her life too.  Just like God said she would be.  How wonderful His faithfulness is…how amazing.

I wonder at the silence when it comes, as I struggle to maintain every thing around me, and the words go silent, I wonder at it.

 I am not away from God, He is still there revealing Himself to me as we daily manage the life He has me living, my silence is not separation.  I normally consider it my own lack, negligence, laziness, whatever…I always see the silence as a shortfall in me, even if it is not always so.

 So I begin to think about silence:  The utter and complete silence of a tree, the fallen leaves crunch loudly as we wade through them, the wind whispers when it moves through the branches, but the tree itself makes not a sound.

 A baby growing in a womb, or a chick in an egg.

A blooming rose.

The morning sun as it rises.

Snow falling.

 And it is within the silence of my heart that I hear the voice of God most often.

So, maybe silence is not such a negative thing after all.  It was within the silence of a tomb that Jesus was resurrected from death.

I suppose its all in the way we choose to view the circumstance.

Life is like that, we choose the view we take.  This morning I examined my silence as a writer and found its not such a terrible thing, as I look back I see the growth and strength of the tree, the creation of a new life, the beauty of the rose, and faithfulness of the morning, and the softness of the snow.  The greatest relationship of my life exists in the silence of my heart, and the bridge to that life was built in the silence of the tomb.  Silence is not a bad thing, its just part of the season.  If you have a negative circumstance in your life, picture it in your hand like an object, turn it over, hold it upside down, roll it around and see if you can find the positive view.  God used to tell me to find the good and squeeze it for all it was worth.  Doesn’t matter how small the good is, it comes from God, if you squeeze it for all its worth, you’ll find its just enough.  Much love to you all, I’ve missed you.  Anita